road-tripping

Inspired by the Marx Brothers

~ Ken Mirvis ~ Leave a comment

I am not one of those people who can recite great comedy routines from memory. I do not know every bit of Monty Python’s hilarity. I almost never reference comics. But I do love good humor, especially when it perfectly captures reality.

In the email introducing my last entry, I gave a shout-out to Tom Papa’s “Well, I have” schtick. Now we have two in a row! For my money, the Marx Brothers were the funniest siblings ever on earth!

In Animal Crackers, Groucho plays Captain Spalding, the bumbling African explorer who once tried to shoot an elephant in his pajamas. (“Of course, in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa.”) Chico plays Emanuel Ravelli, a huckster musician who shows up to play at a fete hosted by the socialite Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont) one day before he was due.

The dialogue goes like this:

Mrs. Rittenhouse: You are one of the musicians? But you were not due until tomorrow.

Ravelli: Couldn’t come tomorrow. That’s too quick.

Captain Spalding: You’re lucky they didn’t come yesterday.

Ravelli: We were busy yesterday, but we charge just the same.

Captain Spalding: This is better than exploring! What do you fellows get an hour?

Ravelli: For playing, we get $10 an hour.

Captain Spalding: I see. What do you get for not playing?

Ravelli: $12 an hour.

Captain Spalding: Clip me off a piece of that.

Ravelli: Now, for rehearsing, we make a special rate. Thatsa $15 an hour.

Captain Spalding: That’s for rehearsing?

Ravelli: Thatsa for rehearsing.

Captain Spalding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?

Ravelli: You couldn’t afford it. You see, if we don’t rehearse, we don’t play, and if we don’t play, that runs into money.

That has been one of my favorite comedy routines for about sixty years. Thanks to this EV adventure, I finally understand the logic, and it is brilliant!

We stopped at a charger the other day owned by the City of Kearney, Nebraska. I plugged in, went through the App/Apple Pay abracadabra, and then sat back to grab a few quick kilowatts. The text message from the charger that came to my phone went something like this: The time you spend charging will cost $0.00 per hour. Once you are fully charged, the time you stay hooked up will cost $3.00 per hour.

There it is! The Marx Brothers in real life: For charging, you pay little to nothing. But for not charging … you can’t afford it! (BTW, I did pay for the electricity, but at a very reasonable rate.)

One of my biggest fears on this EV-charging adventure is that we will arrive at a charger. Some inconsiderate SOB will have a car hooked up and fully charged, but I cannot get to the charger. High “idle-time fees” are the answer. Charge a minimal break-even amount for the charging itself, and then break the bank for bogarting the charger once its work is done.

I expect we have a new Marx-Brothers-inspired business model here: provide an essential product for free and charge exorbitant rates for not using it. I am smelling fame and fortune with this one. Anybody interested in investing?

Poltergeist X 2

~ Ken Mirvis ~ 1 Comment

Our usual scout-the-room, jawbone-the-desk-clerk motel-finding practices are long-gone on this trip. We need overnight charging!

Fortunately, a bunch of motel-finding websites, like Hotels.com, Expedia.com, and AAA.com, have EV-charging-station filters. Finding a motel with an EV charger isn’t very hard …. as long as the chargers work and fit your car.

Best Westerns along our route have had lots of chargers. Luckily, we have lots of Best Western points thanks to a credit card promotion and a few hundred dollars-worth of Best Western travel cards I bought at a steep discount to raise money for my daughter’s chorus. As long as we can stay in decent Best Westerns for free and they have chargers, we are good.

We stopped at our first Best Western in Bentleyville, Pennsylvania. It met all of the criteria. We ate supper and went to bed. (How’s that for a good travel adventure?)

Rebecca and I have traveled A LOT. We have stayed in tons of hotels and motels. Neither of us has ever been awakened by a phantom television that comes on by itself in the middle of the night. But that is just what happened in Bentleyville.

At 3:00 AM, I awoke to a loud episode of Seinfeld on the TV. It just came on. No trigger; no nothing. I turned it off and went back to sleep. Ten minutes later, it happened again. It happened the third time around 3:40. I felt pretty smug when I yanked the plug, but the damage had been done. I wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon.

Seven-plus decades of travel. I’ve been awakened plenty of times by pre-set alarm clocks; loud TVs; drunks, fights, and parties; and, of course, way-too-loud hanky panky in the next room. But this was the first time I had ever been awakened by a rogue TV.

In the morning, Jessica, the fantastic desk clerk, listened to my tale of woe and promptly returned my money.

All’s well that ends well. I was a little tired but at least the room didn’t cost anything.

That was Bentleyville.

Two nights later, we stopped at the Best Western in Morton, Illinois. It too fit the bill, even though it had the distinction of having the smallest bathroom ever. (And just in case you are interested, Morton, east of Peoria, is the “Pumpkin Capital of the World.” The Nestle’s plant – two blocks from the Best Western – processes and packs 85% of the world’s canned pumpkin. That’s a lot of freakin’ pumpkin!!!!)

At 2:00 AM, I awoke to a bizarre noise. The TV had no picture, but it seemed to have sound. It must have been our next-door neighbor with the sound turned up too loud. I listened a while hoping I was dreaming then called the front desk to ask them to have our neighbor turn down the volume. But the telephone receiver didn’t work. I could hear the clerk; the clerk couldn’t hear me. I hung up. The clerk called me back. The receiver still didn’t work. By now, Rebecca and I were both awake, totally pissed at the inconsiderate SOB in the next room. I had the hotel number written on a slip of paper. I called it from my cell phone and asked the clerk to please have the neighbor turn down the TV. Then I realized I had given the clerk the wrong room number. When I called back, the clerk laughed. I had called the wrong motel. The noise continued. I really did not want to walk to the lobby.

Rebecca suggested that the sound might be coming from our TV. I clicked the clicker. Silence. For some crazy reason, our TV had half-turned-on. No picture and only a touch of sound. I never could get back to sleep.

In the morning, with bleary eyes, I told the manager what had happened. Once again, I had my money refunded apologetically. I gratefully accepted. There was some solace in not having to pay for yet another night of minimal sleep.

It was weird enough the first time a TV came on randomly in the middle of the night. But twice? Both at Best Westerns? At almost exactly the same time? Somebody has got to be pranking us. 

We stayed at another Best Western the next day in Ottumwa, Iowa and slept through the night. Maybe the spell is broken.

(And just in case you are interested in yet another ridiculous factoid, according to Wikipedia, Ottumwa has been “The Video Game Capital of the World” since 1982 and is home to the IVGHoF — the International Video Game Hall of Fame. I had no idea there were so many world capitals in the rural midwest.)

A New Adventure: Maybe the Best EV-er! 5,000+ Miles of Uncertainty

~ Ken Mirvis ~ 4 Comments

“Mo”

I had my last car for 10 reliable, maintenance-free, super comfortable years. I called him “Barney” for the first few years of his life because he was nothing special. Just an old Ford. Then, in St. Louis in 2017, as Rebecca and I were driving the length of the Mississippi River, we changed his name to “Mr. Bixby.” Horace Bixby was the riverboat captain who took the young cub pilot Sam Clemens under his wing and taught him the river. Mark Twain’s stories of Mr. Bixby in “Life on the Mississippi” are mesmerizing. His no-messing-around teaching style, his encyclopedic knowledge of the Mississippi, his civil war exploits, and his union organizing made him one of my heroes. Finding his headstone in the Bellefontaine Cemetery in St. Louis became one of the high points of our trip. Mr. Bixby has been in 42 states and a lot of Canada. He’s never once acted up. Even with 160,000 miles under his belt, he’d do great on another road trip. But it’s time.

Like sailing ships, the steam engine, dial telephones, and black-and-white TVs, time is passing him by. He runs on gasoline, powered by an old-fashioned internal combustion engine. Imagine! In 2024!

Both Mr. Bixby’s

A few weeks ago, I signed a two-year lease on “Mo,” a brand-new all-electric Nissan Ariya. I still have Mr. Bixby. I can’t quite let go of him yet. He’s been a gem of a friend. But “Mo” has some serious “MoJo”! I wanted to name him after an aria. (He is, after all, an Ariya.) But my knowledge of opera is limited at best. As I struggled to think of an aria that would make a fitting name for a new car, I landed on two of my favorite operas (or one opera and one operetta, if you are a purist), “The Magic Flute” by Wolfgang Mozart and “Der Fledermaus,” by Johann Strauss. In the absence of a specific aria, I figured the composers would have to do. “MoJo” it would be; “Mo” for short.

”Mo” drives like a dream: comfy, peppy, and full of autonomous features like automatic lane control, windshield wipers that sense moisture, and high beams that never forget to switch off. When I drive past gas pumps, a snarky inside voice gloatingly whispers, “suckers.”

Now it is time to figure out if the world of 2024 is ready for an EV road trip … on back roads, acceding to our whims of the moment.

Here’s the plan: On December 14, our granddaughter Ella opens a show of four years of her art at the University of Nebraska at Kearney. On December 21, grandson Seff graduates from the University of Nebraska at Lincoln with a degree in horticulture. Plus, we have a brand-new great granddaughter in Omaha whom we have not yet met. The drive to Nebraska would normally take us five or six days. We will allow two weeks. “Mo” supposedly has a range of about 270 miles. I am dubious! We’ll be driving in winter at highway speeds. My goal will be to plan a route with chargers every 100 miles or so. That is easy in the densely populated east; it is harder in the farmlands of the high plains and the stubbornness of the deep south; and it is even harder in the wide-open expanses of the far west.

When we arrive at a charging station, it may be out of order. It may be in use. And who knows what else might go wrong! Regardless, we need to be prepared. In the worst case, we have AAA Plus, which gives us 100 miles of free towing … but a tow truck won’t do the job. We’d need a flatbed. Since there is no neutral gear on an EV (because there is no transmission), turning wheels always engage the motor, and since “Mo” is 4-wheel-drive, when a wheel turns, a motor turns. No more tow trucks for us.

Mostly, I suspect we will need lots of patience and a good sense of humor.

Finding charging stations, I am learning, is not so easy! Tesla has an extensive network of high-speed chargers, but they don’t work on other cars. One day, Tesla will adapt its chargers so they work on cars like “Mo,” but the change is coming slowly. We’re not there yet. Maybe next year. 

Then there’s the issue of charging speeds. Level 2 chargers work fine but take 5-10 hours to charge the batteries. That is fine for an overnight, but not a quick juice-up-and-go. Level 3 chargers will charge to 85% in about a half hour. Not bad if you have the right connector – a CCS in “Mo’s” case.

If I were a motel chain, I would install a charger at every property, advertise the hell out of it, and allow EV drivers to reserve a charger when they reserve their rooms. A few hotels and motels, I have learned, are on that trajectory, but it is still precious few. 

Google Maps is in on this adventure too. If you put a route into Google Maps (on your computer but not on your phone) and then hit the “EV Charging” tab, it will show a lot of the charging stations on the route … but not all of the charging stations by any matter of means.

I have also downloaded apps from different charging companies: “PlugShare,” “Electrify America,” “EVGo,” “ChargePoint,” “ChargeWay,” “ViaLynk,” “ChargeHub,” and “FLO.”

NEWS FLASH … QUESTION: How fast is this landscape changing? ANSWER: As I was writing the last three paragraphs, I got an email from Nissan. In that moment, they notified me that they had added a charging station mapping feature to the “My Nissan” app that combines all of the charging apps from the last paragraph. Nissan has done a bunch of the time-consuming work for me. Regardless, I am still planning on an adventure and allotting a lot more time than I would otherwise just to control frustration.

Stay tuned. You’ll get the skinny as it happens. If we indeed choose to go with EV instead of gas, I expect no shortage of adventures.


EPILOGUE: About 10 minutes ago, Rebecca and I decided to go for it!!! The only uncertainty now is a major winter storm along the route, and I expect that would trip us up regardless of vehicle.